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Final Fantasy V Recap, Ep I: Ham and Cheese Sandwich

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As usual, I’d like to start my Let’s Play Final Fantasy with (1) a link to Moogle University’s FFV write-ups which inspired my own playthrough and (2) the opening FMV from the PS1 remaster (Final Fantasy Anthology, 2003, which is what hooked me on this game despite the flatter-than-Data’s-poetry localization):

Thoughts:

  • Dear Squeenix, when you turn Amano’s concept art into 3D, you do not have to leave their skin the color of a piece of paper.
  • It’s amazing how quickly graphics look dated, isn’t it? But Uematsu’s music still soars.
  • I adore the outrageous spines and jewels sticking out of everything, especially that pirate ship.
  • Black trenchcoat? Check. Katana? Check. Bishie badassitude? Check. Sephiroth, you are a cheap imitation of the ORIGINAL appearance of this character design. Nyah nyah. 

Now let’s start the iOS edition.

Final Fantasy V IOS splash screen

Okay! I’m not entirely happy with the stretched iOS redraws of the original character sprites. So, while I’m going to be screencapping from iOS FF5, I’ll be featuring some original-game sprites from videogamesprites.net for snark & commentary. Also, just to be even more confusing, the iOS version appends Amano’s original character portraits to speech boxes — concept art that the in-game sprite designers sometimes completely ignored!

Note: Boldface is actual game dialog, non-bold is my paraphrase, or…er…embellishments.

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FFIV Recap, Ep VI: I Aten’t Ded Yet

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Last time on “Let’s Play Final Fantasy IV,” we met Freddicante, the leg-baring, spandex-rocking, nipple-flashing Archfiend of Fire.

He trounced Edge the Ninja Prince of Eblan and swooshed off with his back to the party of adventurers and their assorted bows, lances, bigass swords and summons.

FFIV: Until We Meet Again

Fucks given? Zero.

(See this, Squeenix? Seriously. See this? Your final boss is usually BORING. This is why you don’t kill off your minibosses like Gilgamesh, Rubicante and Jihl Nabaat prematurely.)

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Final Fantasy IV Recap, Ep. V: Only the PCs Die Young

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Hurrah! We have rescued Rosa from the Tower of Zot!

John Hart Anteater Zot

Whoops, wrong Zot.

It turns out that the Tower of Zot is not the Bigass Tower on the map. In fact, it is not marked anywhere on the world map. Is that allowed?

Before we can tackle the Bigass Tower, the Path of Plot Advancement decrees that we must head to the underworld.

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Final Fantasy IV Recap, Ep. IV: Boris Vallejo Feminism

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Before we go gadding off in our new airship Enterprise, let us pause a moment to admire our Four Warriors of Technicolor.

FFIV: No female characters

The colors are fantastic — including Cecil’s blue lipstick — but I can’t help noticing that all the female characters have now dropped out of the party for one reason or another.

Cidface: 🙁

But first! Nothing says “sidequests” quite like “The clock is ticking, and your girlfriend or maybe even the entire world is facing imminent destruction!”

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Final Fantasy IV Recap, Episode III: The Power of Shiny

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Last time on Let’s Play Final Fantasy IV, our Batman angstbucket hero made lots of friends.

Final Fantasy IV: Angst

And lost them.

Let’s review Cecil’s Very Bad Week.

  • slaughtered innocent civilians while stealing their Crystal, feels remorse
  • lost his position as proud leader of the Red Wings air brigade
  • lost faith in / betrayed by the king who raised him as a son
  • too stupid to realize the king was using him again for dastardly deeds
  • accidentally burned a village to the ground and killed a bunch of summoners
  • including the mother of a sweet child he’s now guarding in atonement
  • except now he’s lost the child and she’s probably drowned or dead
  • attacked by an Octomammoth, which means that somewhere, in some fanfic, Cecil is stuck in tentacle!porn hell
  • failed to save the kingdoms of Damcyan and Fabul from assault by the troops he used to command
  • three out of four Crystals now in enemy hands thanks to his failures
  • best friend has betrayed and tried to kill him
  • girlfriend nearly died, then kidnapped by villain just to torment Cecil
  • shipwrecked on the way to rescue said girlfriend
  • as far as Cecil knows, the friends he dragged along on that rescue mission are dead
  • girlfriend is gorgeous and underdressed, yet he’s trapped inside armor that requires Jaws of Life to remove, so they probably haven’t even made it to first base
  • he’s named Cecil Harvey.

Ouch. Surely things can’t get any worse?

Ahahahaha. Let’s go find out.

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Final Fantasy IV Recap, Ep. II: Spoony Bard

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Now that we’ve had a taste of the current generation of graphics, here’s a quick glance at the 1991 original SNES graphics of Final Fantasy IV (released in English as FFII, since the previous two games weren’t):

I’m glad that old-school players were able to fall in love with FFIV despite the choppy translation. Then again, I adore FFV, even though my version is the uninspired PS1 translation.

All right! Let’s go rescue Rosa!

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Final Fantasy IV Recap, Ep. I: No Matter How Dark the Knight

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Once again, I’m playing the iPad remaster of the the Nintendo DS remake of the original NES Final Fantasy IV — got that? The iOS version is almost identical to the DS, except with crisper graphics and a lack of overwrought Opening FMVs. So here’s the DS opening:

Aaah, shiny. I’m relieved that the laws of physics are different in Final Fantasy, because our metaphorical Tower of Babel has reached the silly stage. At this rate, Final Fantasy XX will have to resort to something like the “How far is Mars?” animation to reach the top of the tower before the closing credits.

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Final Fantasy III Recap, Ep. V: A Little Help from Our Friends

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Before we finish off Final Fantasy III’s endgame, here’s a rare video: the original Japanese FFIII.

Note that whoever did this somehow replaced Luneth’s sprite with one of the Four Old Men sprites, and a couple battle sprites are scrambled. Nevertheless, it shows the NPC storylines are all here, except for the individual friendships with particular party members.

As with Final Fantasy I, it seems that original FFIII presented the party as a blank slate upon which we could project our own character development, dialog and proficiencies, while the world and NPCs were at least somewhat fleshed out. Again, this mimics old tabletop RPGs and D&D, in which the game master provided the story, world, and npcs, while the players were in charge of their characters’ histories and development.

We’ve gotten so accustomed to games that create the player characters for us that we’ve quite forgotten the original strong distinction between PCs and NPCs.

Now, back to our playthrough of Final Fantasy III and the grand finale.

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Final Fantasy III Jobs: A Half-Assed Guide

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I’ve played through Final Fantasy III three times now, so here’s my take on the different job classes with random tips and observations. Mostly, this is just an excuse to share iOS screencaps of all the FFIII jobs. (And while I’m at it, I’m going to plant my party in as many different locations as possible so you can enjoy the scenery. Aren’t I obsessive nice?)

For more thorough info on jobs, I recommend Seferaga’s FFIII FAQ and the nitty-gritty stats info hidden in the job section of Arkfullofsorrow’s FFIII walkthrough.

Freelancer

FFIII: Freelancer Job Class

Don’t you wish we could just leave ’em in these adorbs costumes the whole game? Wait, no, that’s what happens in nearly every game after FFV, so that people complain about “dress up” in X-2 and XIII-2.

Freelancer can use: Level 1 Black Magic/White Magic, most equipment.

Insane stats at high levels make it almost worth leveling up. Almost.

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