Okay, Nibelheim Backstory Dump over. Now we can explore the world map. Guided by random npcs saying “a man in a black cape went thataway,” we pack our bento boxes and strike out across the Midgar Marshes.
Oh look, a planarian! They have the cutest woogly googly eyes.
Uh oh… it seems…hungry?
Last time, we psychoanalyzed the most blockheaded hero in the history of gaming…
…and put him through his paces as a cross-dresser and champion of put-upon sex workers (in which task he failed miserably, since we left Don Corneo alive with his family jewels intact. Phooey).
Reluctantly, I must set Wall Market frivolity aside and get back to saving the Planet.
Next up, Final Fantasy VII descends unexpectedly into Scum and Villainy with a side helping of burlesque. I will also attempt to explain the Mysterious Voice in Cloud’s Head.
But first, we need to meet the third corner of Cloud’s pointy little love triangle. Whom I love, despite Squeenix dropping heaps of overhype on her tombstone. Did I mention this walkthrough would have spoilers?
Which brings me to the most difficult and challenging, thorny and complex issue of this entire game. No, it’s not Cloti versus Clerith, which sounds like dueling nasal sprays. This issue is much more challenging, and has riven fandom to the core…
Before I launch into the next leg of my Let’s Play Final Fantasy VI playthrough, I’d just like to note that FFVI’s washed-out chocobo design is redeemed by its music of pure techno awesome:
I defy you not to bob your head while listening to that with headphones. Or, to quote a couple commenters on the above video:
question: What is it about riding giant chickens that restricts random battles? ~ The Zeldaniac
Picture this, if you’re an enemy and you hear this song, are you going to interrupt it by attacking the guy riding the chicken, or are you just going to dance? ~ hoodedbro1001
Now back to our regularly-scheduled playthrough.
So, in our opening FFVI sonata, our heroes Edgar, Locke, Sabin and Terra had reached the rebel hideout of the Returners. We had just imbibed our first Backstory Dump courtesy of Banon, the rebel leader, when news arrived that the town of S. Figaro was under attack and that imperial forces were headed our way.
Hooray! We’ve landed in another world to help our friends, and have promptly been captured and imprisoned! Aren’t we clever Warriors of Light? We’re giving Firion a run for his money!
To recap our lighthearted romp through FFVland: three Crystals are kaput, our first ship has sunk, Faris is still the most glorious pirate, Lenna is a friend to everything with fur and scales, Galuf has regained at least some of his memories, and Butz is still a charming goofball. So, can our erstwhile Four Warriors of Light save the remaining Crystal?
…no.
All right, that last episode was very trying, so I have to rec this Faris cosplay to make myself feel better. Also this fanart, from Cumuluscastle.
We left our star-crossed pirate in the dark night of the soul.
Aside: I was tempted to call this episode “Oh. Okay.” in honor of Sev’s recurring response to all the WTF incidents during her playthrough of Final Fantasy III.
However, it turns out there is a supreme moment of WTFery involving a sheep in this episode, so… just keep Sev’s Mantra in mind.
Now let us roam as sheep.
Off we go with Desch the Fifth Party Member (uh oh, we know where THIS is going) to find the Gnomish Village! Poor Arc is hoping he won’t have to use the Mini Spell…
