Final Fantasy I Recap, Episode V: “Ninja Wizards”


ninja wizards animated gif

Flush with the discovery of our shiny new airship, Momo embarks on a world tour at high velocity…

Rei: *bleeerrrrrrgh*
Nina: I thought only ninjas got airsick.
Momo: *buzzing around like a caffeinated bee* What’s that? And that? And oooooh, over there!
Spoo: *hangs on for dear life*

We fetch up in the town of Onrac on the NW continent. The first resident we meet is a bit odd…

Rei: *dazed* Uh…look at your legs…sure thing, Bibi…
Nina: Come again?
Momo: Let’s fly somewhere else.
Spoo: *searches tea shop for Dramamine*

Clues are acquired…

Rei: His name is really Baggins, isn’t it?
Nina: Don’t let Momo hear–
Momo: Something weird? Let’s go buy it!
Spoo: .oO(Hope it’s not a ring.)

“Foreshadowing, your key to quality literature…”

Rei: Okay, this is starting to weird me out.
Nina: I begin to sense a theme.
Momo: What, are yours bionic? Cool!
Spoo: …

This town is basically one big tips guide…

Rei: Aha! Now I get it… mermaids! Let’s try it!
Nina: No, Rei. She says the barrel’s not airtight. We’ll drown.
Momo: So? We’re the Warriors of Light! We can walk on lava, so why can’t we breathe underwater?
Spoo: …

We meet a friendly dragon who looks awfully like Spoo’s dragon form in BoF III…

Rei: Hey. Didn’t that opening FMV show Spoo fighting with a big, red dragon? This bloke seems awfully polite.
Nina: Shhhhh! Tact, Rei.
Momo: A Citadel of Trials sounds like fun! Especially if it’s Bevelle…you know, all the boop de boop music with the techno panels and glyph spheres?
Spoo: *moans softly*

After collecting all clues, we head to a nearby waterfall mentioned by one of the villagers…

Rei: Tell me again why we care that somebody saw “some kind of mechanical creature” down here?
Nina: Do you need to ask?
Momo: Giant robot! I knew we were missing something in this game!
Spoo: …

After yet more Kee Bats and a mob of Nightmare horse monsters that “Snort” snot on us, we find the robot…

Rei: Uh…sure…whatever…can I sell it?
Nina: No, Rei. It’s a plot coupon. We’ll probably need it later.
Momo: Robot! Wait! Don’t self-destruct! I’ll take you home and give you a nice oil bath and … *sobs*
Spoo: …

Fortified with Dramamine, we reboard the airship and eventually discover the village of Gaia far to the NE…

Rei: Wow, these villagers hand out tons of plot clues just like in Onrac. Wish we could’ve come here sooner.
Momo: Uh…oh… Nina was winged in our original gameverse, wasn’t she?
Spoo: *sweatbeads*

Remarks from various villagers lead us to a desert caravan, where we discover the “something weird” that Underhill is selling…

Rei: “Bottled faerie.” Guess we’re too late. Wonder what it tastes like?
Nina: REI!!!!!!!
Momo: Yipes. Let’s, uh, take her back to Gaia, shall we?
Spoo: …

Back in Gaia Village, Nina pops the cork…

Rei: Yep, that’s us! *thumps own chest*
Nina: Like YOU cared what happened to the poor, defenseless little…
Momo: Shush. Hey, look, she gave us a plot coupon. Something called “OxyAle.” Betcha that’ll help with the whole barrel-drowning-thingie.
Spoo: …

However, on the way back to the gal with the leaky submarine, we get distracted among the Swiss Cheese Islands…

Rei: Bally weird place for gophers.
Nina: Whack-a-Mole Archepelago?
Momo: Or maybe it’s the Sea of Holes? ♪We all live in a barrel submarine…♬
Spoo: *facepalm*

The holes prove to be Cosmo Canyon Mt. Gagazet Dragon Caves, inhabited by our token noble warrior nonhuman race…

Rei: Honor? Does that come with a cash reward, by any chance?
Nina: Rei… *sighs*
Momo: Is this the Citadel of Trials thingie? Great! I’m good with puzzles!
Spoo: *twirls sword hopefully*

Unfortunately, we trip into a hole that is NOT a dragon cave on the next island over…

Rei: Prince, huh? You mean Elfboy?
Nina: Spoo, wait! I don’t think this is the Citadel of Trials!
Momo: Too late.
Spoo: *dashes in, hoping to impress the prince*

The sign over the door actually read, “Hellfire Chasm” …

Rei: Well, 6hit.
Nina: It’s one of those dratted bonus dungeons.
Momo: Don’t worry! We’re the Warriors of Light! We’re inflammable!
Spoo: *still doesn’t think that means what she thinks it means*

Bizarrely, when we drag ourselves out of the heat and up a staircase, we find ourselves here…

Rei: Huh? Well, you’re not gettin’ ours!
Nina: The map still shows we’re in Hellfire Chasm.
Momo: Ooo! It’s one of those TARDIS dungeons again!
Spoo: *totally confused*

We blunder around with our canoe, but…

Rei: Guys, you do realize that we left the airship back in the Swiss Cheese Islands?
Nina: And we’re surrounded by mountains! I haven’t seen a cave or hole or escape route anywhere, have you?
Momo: Oh, well, something’s bound to turn up…
Spoo: …

In the unknown desert…

Rei: What the?
Nina: Well, we’ve tried everything else…
Spoo: …

Cue dramatic Uematsu soundtrack…

Rei: Well, don’t that just beat all.
Nina: *sighs* I’m not even going to try to figure out the laws of physics here.
Momo: Aww, baby comes when it’s called. Aren’t you a good widdle airship? Yes, you are!
Spoo: …

After flying around for a bit, we discover a suspicious hole…

Rei: Does that lead where I think it leads?
Nina: Most likely.
Momo: Time and Random Bonus Dungeons in Space! It’s a TARBDIS!
Spoo: …

Back in the land of lava tunnels, we find the Blue Flame of Optional Bonus Bossdom…

Rei: Oh, well, at least the gloating’s cute.
Nina: Scarmiglione. From FFIV, right?
Momo: This isn’t gonna be pretty, is it?
Spoo: *twirls sword*

One tough boss battle later…

Rei: We did it! We actually beat the sucker!
Nina: Well done, everybody!
Spoo: *acrobatic hair flip, strikes a pose*


Rei: Um…guys? He’s still gloating…
Nina: I have a bad feeling about this.
Spoo: *For the PRINCE!*

Here we go again…

Rei: Well, 8hit.
Nina: *Diaga!* *Diaga*!
Momo: *burns through masses of MP*
Spoo: *expires nobly*

Defeated, our heroes wake up groggy and bruised, back in the Swiss Cheese Islands…

Rei: Man, what a hangover. Must’ve been some party…
Nina: *groans* I hate random bonus dungeons.
Momo: MEDIC!
Spoo: …

After flying back to the Inner Sea to restock supplies and take a well-earned rest at Cornelia Inn…

Rei: Break out the ‘smores, and let’s go camping!
Nina: Why are the important dungeons always ten jillion miles from any landing place and in the middle of a swamp?
Momo: Citadel of Trials, here we come!
Spoo: …


Rei: Uhhh… this throne we’re supposed to sit on… is it gonna burn our tushies?
Nina: Rei, you really aren’t very good at this “courage” business.
Momo: *sits on throne* *transporter sparkle* Whee! WHEE! WHEE! Teleport pad maze! It’s even better than Bevelle’s! I’m totally loooooost! Let’s do the timewarp agaiiiiiin!
Spoo: *dizzy*

After a breezy hour of random teleportation, monster battles and getting snorted on by half a dozen Night Mares…

Rei: *looks in chest* That’s our prize?
Spoo: …
Momo: …
Nina: *weakly* Didn’t some dragon say it might not be what we’d expect?
Rei: So are you gonna tell the audience what’s in there?
Nina: I…forgot to take a screencap.
Momo: Nice excuse.

We return our Dungeon Completion Token to King Bahamut…

Rei: *puffs chest* Yep! Call me Rei van Ratsbane!
Nina: *stares*
Momo: Probably not a coincidence. FFXII is chock-full of callouts to old Final Fantasy games.
Spoo: *hopes prince hears about this*

Rei: Er… that was just a joke, your Highness. Actually, I’d really like to be called NINJA WIZARD!
Nina: *perks up* Hey, settle down, Rei. I think we’ve just stumbled upon…
Spoo: *flexes*

*shimmery flash*

Spoo: *looks fabulous*
Momo: Hey, wow, I’m a wizard!
Nina: I’m a wizard, too!
Rei: But you’re not a ninja! *dances around* I’m a Ninja! Thief skills suck. But I’m a @%$@# NINJA!

We’ll leave Rei to celebrate his new badassitude. Tune in next time, when we attempt to locate more Crystals to reboot!

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