Final Fantasy I Recap, Episode VI: In The Way That Bricks Don’t

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”
~ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

[INTERLUDE]


Ochu on FFwikia
for original Final Fantasy


D&D Otyugh
by *BenWootten on deviantART

Well, whaddya know: Ochu from Final Fantasy is really Dungeons & Dragons’ Ochu in drag! Also, the Japanese for flan is “Black Pudding,” another D&D original monster! Also, the English translations in the original NES Final Fantasy are hilarious — MADPONY, BADMAN, CATMAN, to name a few. Take a look.

All right, back to our playthrough!

Delighted with our pimped-out character classes, we go on a shopping spree…

Rei: Yeeah! I’m a NINJA WIZARD!
Nina: *sigh* Are you QUITE finished chewing through our gil?
Momo: NINJA WIZARDS! NINJA WIZARDS!
Spoo: *sends Prince pix of fabulous new duds*

Rei is eager to try out his new amazing Ninja powerz…

Rei: I SHALL THUNDER YOUR…wait? MP? Where’s my MP? 8hit!
Nina: *Sigh* Let Spoo handle these, Rei.
Momo: WE’VE BEEN ROBBED!
Spoo: *slash, hack, smash*

Back in the Cheapskate Inn…

Rei: *mumble mumble* This had better work.
Nina: No promises, Rei, but we could all do with a good night’s sleep. Hopefully you’ll have some MP in the morning.
Momo: Nina, you realize we burn more on gas than we save by flying back to Cornelia every time?
Spoo: *dreams of Prince*

Unfortunately, Nina’s guess is wrong. We head back to Onrac with a sulky Ninja…

Rei: Honor, Schmoner. Give me a Steal ability. Your king is a fraud. *pouts*
Nina: REI.
Momo: Can we go try out the leaky submarine now, please?
Spoo: *not complaining about HIS lack of MP*

“You…you have oxyale…” says Leaky Submarine Lass…

Momo: *hic* Right on, sister!
Nina: Maybe we’d better let Spoo drive this time.
Rei: Yeah, yeah. Let’s go find us some mermaids. *mutter mutter*
Spoo: …

Shortly…

Rei: Oh, hey, a bona-fide FMV. Pretty spiff.
Nina: If gratuitous.
Momo: FMV? You ain’t seen nothing yet!
Spoo: .oO(You mean, like the ten minute long “Leviathan” summons in FFVIII?)

Commence dungeon crawl…

Rei: The heck is that?
Nina: Cid only knows. Let Spoo deal with it.
Momo: NUuuuuoooh! I have THUNDAGA and I’m BORED!
Spoo: *swishy slash bash*

A very long dungeon crawl, during which player’s resolve not to use any kind of guide breaks down…

Rei: Heh. I love these troll guys with their hands over their ears: “OMFG! Lobsters, can’t you keep it down?!!”
Momo: *whispers* Nina, is that a map in your pocket? How lazy can you get?
Nina: Shush. I wasted at least a day of my life mapping the twisty little passages in Zork.
Spoo: *crosses off Diamond Armor room and heads for next treasure chest*

Several floors later…

Rei: Okay, I’ll give that taunt a five out of ten style points.
Momo: *whispers* Nina, why do you scuttle behind Spoo whenever we enter a battle?
Nina: Haven’t you noticed the top slot gets targeted more than the rest?
Spoo: *damage sink*

Release the Kraken!

Rei: #%!%@ Ink. Can’t see. Gimme some of what Momo’s packing.
Nina: Patience, Rei.
Momo: BLAMMITY BLAM BLAM THUNDAGA!
Spoo: *flails blindly*

One more crystal restored…

Momo: ♪Roto-Looter, that’s our name! And away go bosses down the drain!♫
Nina: Stop that.
Rei: So where’s these mermaid babes we’re supposed to be rescuing?
Spoo: *rusts*

After a quick stop in Onrac’s swank and expensive inn…

Rei: Hot dog! I’ve got MP now that I’ve leveled up. I’m a Ninja Wizard!
Momo: *sniffs* Thunder? That’s not going to do a heck of a lot.
Nina: Shush. Let Rei play.
Spoo: *mops up*

Rei chats up all the mermaids on the top floor…

Rei: Mine, too, babe! Pucker up!
Nina: *sigh*
Momo: Let’s loot all the treasure while he’s flirting.
Spoo: *hides face*

Several clues, treasure chests, and one gratuitous FMV later, we resurface…

Rei: So, what’ve we learned, class?
Nina: Mermaids are wet kissers.
Momo: *waves Rosetta Stone* I’ve got the plot coupon!
Spoo: .oO(The Prince is a better kisser)

We take the Rosetta Stone to the scholar in Melmond.

Rei: Lufenian?
Nina: We visited Lufenia ages ago, but I didn’t feel like screencapping a bunch of mysterious npcs saying “oompa loompa.”
Momo: Man, wish all my instructors could teach me a language in under five seconds.
Spoo: …

After a looong overland trek, we reach Lufenia in the far east, where we can now automagically understand what the locals are saying…

Rei: Let me get this straight. You’re the only folks on the planet with airship technology, but Lufenia’s about 500 miles from the nearest safe spot to land an airship. I smell some kinda PR bull6hit.
Nina: Oh, no! Backstory Lass #4 says that some of the Kee Bats are really Lufenian warriors transformed by their old enemy!
Momo: This one says [In the PSX/iOS version] that the airship was built by one of their ancestors, Cid. Thought so!
Spoo: *picks up chime from priestess*

Plot coupon in hand, we head for a showdown at Mirage Tower in the middle of a vast desert…

Spoo: *ting-a-ling*
Rei: Avon calling!
Momo: Didn’t that trick actually work in one of our old D&D campaigns?
Nina: Oddly enough, yes.

Bots put out the welcome mat…

Rei: Why’s Spoo get to be “master”? He’s nothing but a tank with legs.
Nina: Kindred spirit?
Momo: A robot! Can I take it home with me? Can I, can I?
Spoo: *pokes Rei*

As do monsters…

Rei: Ow owie ow ow whatcha screencapping that for?
Nina: I just want to remember how great FF monsters look when Squeenix artists stick to classic designs…
Momo: …instead of going overboard with inappropriate numbers of eyes, missing heads, ginormous axes or weird metal bits bolted on.
Spoo: *sweatbeads*

At the top of the tower…

Momo: Captain Obvious Bot! I choose you!
Nina: Potions, everyone!
Rei: There better be some kinda reward at the end of this.
Spoo: *buckles swash*

Time to board another classic Final Fantasy locale in its very first incarnation…

Momo: Yay! It’s got Bevelle/Esthar style boop-de-boop techno music!
Rei: You’re probably the only sick person in the multiverses that actually likes Bevelle’s Cloister of Trials.
Nina: Let’s just prepare ourselves, shall we?
Spoo: *looks for dragon to slay*

Between battles, we take time for a little sightseeing…

Momo: I wanna see! I wanna see!
Rei: *Bleeerrgh* Ninjas don’t like heights…
Nina: I could do with a spot of Mahdu about now.
Spoo: *taps foot*

A quick peek through the window reveals rolling lines of fire moving towards…

Rei: X marks the spot! Betcha there’s treasure!
Nina: St. Indiana Jones says X never, ever marks the spot.
Momo: Boy, that northeastern continent really does look sorta like a plucked chicken, doesn’t it?
Spoo: *wants a dragon he’s allowed to pincushion, already!*

And at last, we meet our final Fiend…

Rei: *golf clap* Now there’s a decent taunt. ‘Bout time.
Nina: Don’t get too cocky.
Momo: *readies THUNDAGA!*
Spoo: *checks hair*

…who proves to be quite a challenge…

Rei: ow ow ow Nina, you were s’posed to heal me BEFORE I keeled over! %#$@! gas breath attacks.
Nina: *prim* Thought you needed a lesson.
Momo: *whines* This is taking forever. My magic’s like toothpaste on this puppy.
Spoo: *bash bash bash bash bash bash bash*

At last…

Rei: Piece o’ cake!
Nina: Well done, Spoo.
Momo: When the going gets tough, Prettyboy gets tougher.
Spoo: *pant pant pant*

Once again, our dinky porta-crystals are put to good use…

Rei: Air Crystal restored! Where’s our reward?
Momo: Ain’t flyin’ around in this big ol’ floating fortress whatsit good enough for ya?
Nina: Wind Crystal. And we’re not done yet, Rei.
Spoo: .oO(Time to go bug the Exposition Dudes!)

First, however, we haul the magicite adamantite we found in a treasure chest back to the Dwarves with Implausible Accents…

Rei: *grumble* I still think we shoulda sold that chunk o’ rock.
Nina: You’ll think otherwise the next time you’re hiding behind Spoo.
Momo: Swords, ha. I can KEEL YOU ALL with my magics!
Spoo: *draws sword from stone with suitable flourish*

Spoo gives his new blade a whirl on the long trek to Lufenia and back…

Rei: *pout* Those Lufenians didn’t give us a reward or nothin’.
Nina: We picked up a gazillion gil on the sky fortress. Stop grousing before I hit you with Thor’s Hammer.
Momo: Rei got some sneaky ninja blade, Nina got that ridiculous hammer, and Spoo’s got Excalibur. Did I miss a chest somewheres?
Spoo: *1000 damage hiyaaaaah*

Our doughty heroes pose before the last leg of their journey…

Rei: Think anyone’ll notice if we steal all the crystals and sell ’em?
Nina: *EL KABONG*
Momo: Er… Rei? Rei? Out cold. Man, princess, you pack quite a punch.
Spoo: *goes off to take Prince to tea until Rei wakes up*

So the Warriors of Light gird themselves for the climax of their epic journey. Will there be cracktastic physics-defying landscapes? A Big Bad we’ve never heard of before? Time and space going plotz? Will Cid turn out to be the evil mastermind hell-bent on turning the planet into a giant theme park? Tune in next time to find out!

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